Hiccups, You’re Reign of Terror Is Over

Stop what you’re doing and pay attention.  This is more important.

Ladies and gentleman…I have discovered the cure for hiccups.

Alright, alright…I’m going to need the commotion to settle down before I continue.  I’ve spent the better part of the last half hour suffering from seemingly incurable hiccups, when I quite unintentionally stumbled across the cure.  I was as surprised as you probably are right now, but it’s true.  Before I reveal this discovery, however, some quick history:

I have suffered the uncontrollable indignity of hiccups, off and on, for as far back as my memory will allow me to go.  I know I’m not alone in this.  There are many of us out there.  Growing up, many remedies were proposed – hold your breath and count to ten, spoonful of sugar, drink a glass of water while standing on your head (I’m pretty sure this one was never meant to actually work, but rather to add humiliating insult to myoclonic jerk injury) – but none of these would halt the spasm of my diaphragm.

My favorite supposed cure is to have the hiccups scared out of you.  It’s not my favorite to receive, but to give.  Especially to my two boys.  There are few greater pleasures than realizing that one of my sons has hiccups, then coming up to them and saying something like “Hiccups huh, buddy?  Well, I think what we need to do is BRAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”  I’m pretty sure they enjoy it, too.  But it doesn’t cure their hiccups.

I thought I had discovered a cure when I was in high school.  A girl I was dating approached me during a fit of synchronous diaphragmatic flutter.  She stared at me with a gentle but serious expression and stated with a calm firmness “I want you to look me right in the eyes.  Look at me.  Now listen…I want you to hiccup for me – right now.  Right now, hiccup for me”.

I stared at her…and I couldn’t hiccup.  The convulsions were gone.  It was a hiccup miracle!  Anytime I developed hiccups, she would do this and they would go away.  I briefly worried that she was conjuring up some kind of voodoo witchcraft from a part of her life  that she had not yet opened up to me about.  But rather than pursue that, I decided that the joy of having a hiccup remedy was greater than discovering the cautionary skeletons in her closet.

I lived blissfully with this remedy until we broke up a few months later.  For a while, I could simply imagine her using this psycho-whammy trick in my mind and it produced the same successful result.  But the memory of her wizardry soon faded, and I was again left without a way to end my involuntary reflex.  This would remain the case for the rest of my life.

Until now.

For some reason, my fit tonight got me wondering if there were any songs about hiccups.  That’s just how my mind works.  I couldn’t think of any offhand, so I did a quick search for “hiccup” on iTunes.  Several songs popped up, none of which were familiar to me (with the exception of “Sugar Hiccup” by The Cocteau Twins – mmmm, swirling lush delight).  But one of the tracks that popped up was from a sound effects collection.  Amused and curious, I looked at my wife and said “This is how I feel right now” and then hit play on the hiccup sound effect.

“Hiccup.  Hiccup.  Hiccup.  Hiccup.  Hiccup.  Hiccup.  Hiccup”.

It went on for about 15 seconds.  I listened closely and, as it played, I could feel something relaxing from within myself.  I waited for my next hiccup to chime in and form beautiful harmonies with this sound effect, but…it never happened.

I was cured.

I have not yet contacted the journal of medicine to report my findings.  I felt it was more important to let you know first.  And while I realize my sample size is pretty small (one person, one time), I am confident that this is the kind of medical breakthrough that is going to keep me pretty busy on the interview and lecture circuit in 2013.  I have not yet decided on an appearance fee.

Thank you for sharing this important day with me.  I feel better just knowing you’re here.  And I’m thankful that we will soon be living in a hiccup free world.  God bless you all.  And God bless America.

By the way, here’s “Sugar Hiccup” by The Cocteau Twins.  Enjoy.


~ by themattmorrisshow on January 5, 2013.

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